I failed

I failed... myself.

I couldn't face it on time. Now i pay the price.

Again.

Let's start from beggining:

-----

I never liked m/m stuff , i knew it since i saw all this whole "furry" world.

Girls, boobs,vaginas that was the thing which was most important for me in the 'art'.

All those were toon related.


"You can't spell yaoi without 'yowwie!'."

When i registered at DA .I met some pals who registered too , one of them drew a single nude male pic
i joked at him , yes, i don't deny it, for few days ,

when i just wanted to stop it he -WHAM- did something i'd never do to him.

He drew my character in a situation i dont approve at all...

i could stand blackmail with that pic. I just felt humilliated in the public. There is a difference between a fight in a school bench and dragging your pants down in front of the whole class. At least that's what i think.


Nowadays no one cares what i was GOING TO do , those 3 years ago.

and then i became hater of all the 'yaoi' stuffs.


To prevent it happen again i left DA and broke contact with him , everyone understood me.
At least i thought so.


Second reasoni left it was because i felt like being 'bound' cause of "no adult art" restriction ,and then as i recall , yahoo started it's crusade.I lost my favorite place - XCleo yahoo group and the rest of my favorite groups .

I promised myself not to create another one, because yahoo still is wanky for it. Also lost old email accounts.

"Good things last short , bad things..."

Next step: Sheezyart.The site was cool at the beginning , nice , untill... they had to move and placed "no adult art" restriction.

When i look at this site now, i understand them wholeheartly... they didn't wanted to become the site i will mention later.


So i choosed to quit.


In the meantime my dad got a weird habit.Keeps saying me to "stop chatting with fags from america" I keep telling him i dont do that, but he dont listen,Also i am very... shy of my works.So i couldnt show anyone from family what i really draw.Even the clean works... it's childish for them.

He kept saying this shit all time.I wanted to punch him for it, but i am not a brave type.
No , he is no authority to me , he's an alcoholic in deny.


"Dreams usually come true , just not when and how we expect it" - Maria Dabrowska


Next step:Fur affinity. Yes! At last! A place for all kinds of art..

ALL KINDS

I joined , browsed browsed , the more i browse the more... well... "disgusted" i felt, especially listening to dad's words >_> so all what i could was direct my anger at someone else... Infortunately i choosed Inuki.

That was very stupid and now i'm ashamed of that , she did art for me!I should be thankful her and do soemthing in return , not attack her for 'shota-like' drawings!

FA to my surprise went down.Things were calm in the meantime i had no idea what happening to other artists really, only knew some joined palcomix and that's all.

i lost contact with one of my best online buddies....
-
kandlin_beta: I'll talk to you later. Good luck hooking up with Lady K or Drex.
ssendas2: thx
ssendas2: cya
kandlin_beta: later.
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sun Feb 13 14:32:47 2005


Session Start (ssendas2:kandlin_beta): Sun Feb 13 18:48:09 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas2: online?
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sun Feb 13 18:59:16 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Thu Feb 17 20:36:14 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: hey
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Thu Feb 17 20:36:52 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Thu Feb 17 22:17:01 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: hey dude
ssendas03: sigh
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Thu Feb 17 22:23:55 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Wed Feb 23 17:46:43 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: dude
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Wed Feb 23 17:47:06 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Fri Feb 25 22:32:04 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: -pant pant -
ssendas03: r u there?
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Fri Feb 25 22:38:52 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Thu Mar 03 13:19:24 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: is anybody there?
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Thu Mar 03 13:21:16 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Sat Mar 05 19:24:38 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: BOO!!
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sat Mar 05 19:24:44 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Tue Mar 15 00:16:08 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: wonde rf yer alive here
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Tue Mar 15 00:16:19 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Tue Mar 15 17:32:24 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Tue Mar 15 17:32:44 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Sat Mar 19 09:28:59 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: im facing exmission
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sat Mar 19 09:29:06 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Sun Mar 20 22:02:52 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: hewy kandlin, i'll sacriface my bday pic for a gift, ok ? fez would like to see his fursona yiffing minerva, but he's too....... "shy" to ask
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sun Mar 20 22:04:32 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Wed Mar 23 08:23:13 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: like iever had a chance to catch ya
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Wed Mar 23 08:23:24 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Sun Apr 03 16:58:58 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: guess whats tomorrow
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sun Apr 03 16:59:35 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Fri Apr 08 07:28:27 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: you were online!
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Fri Apr 08 07:37:16 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Fri Apr 08 07:37:25 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Fri Apr 08 07:37:30 2005


Session Start (ssendas03:kandlin_beta): Sat Apr 16 07:05:59 2005
*** NOTE: This user is offline. Your messages will be received when he/she logs into Yahoo! Messenger.
ssendas03: who remember me
Session Close (kandlin_beta): Sat Apr 16 07:12:53 2005

----

FA came back , yea FA back... and so on.

I see old artists, they changed , Kandlin .I tried to talk with you, you told me to get out of your life, i was like 'WTF?"
Maybe if you only talked with me , explained ANYTHING.... it wouldn't hurt so badly now.

then i saw... you become more 'open-minded' artist ,you made a trade with Inuki, drew her m/m pic , and saw your other new art... themes which dont fit to golfballheadguy... tails - renaherm pic , i was angry i felt like a guy who's girl cheated him with all of his friends.

But i know shouldn't feel like that , even if you said you were interested only in techniques 'yaoi' artists use, it has changed.
This is true the more artists is talented the more weird stuff they create.

I turned my rage (increased by dad's comments) against all art i dont like, which in the 'furry fandom' is a real crime -_-' and thus i hurted my friends - including YOU.

So. Mr Simmons i wanted to ask you for forg...
----

^--- All this i have wrote over a year ago.

Eric , listen ,for over a year , every, EVERY DAY i was thinking about you , i was thinking about posting this confession , but i kept delaying it , because i wanted to prove you i am not a loser like you thought i was.... with no home , no job, no cat , no love.

now i have my own little place , a job i don't hate.... i am not sure if you had those things when you were my age...
i only need a gf now , but that's later. (cars sucks, i like scooters)

EVERY day i was delaying it... for over 15 months.... do you understand it? EVERYDAY i was thinking about you...
I kept telling myself... " i wil make pics for inuki , vilani , to show them that i am sorry" because i really was sorry.
It was eating me inside.

Now i dont ask you for forgiveness. It is too late now.

This punishment you did to me is too much. And what I DID to deserve it? I did one post.... which is here:
[link]

" i could object.... sonic has been done to death , reincarnation and death again..." i even didnt noticed i replied to your fiance!


Actually I was punished once with similar pic before.That time was by someone unknown to me.I could bear it.

But YOU?! You weren't like that. I know you like shock others with your new twisted humour.. but this... is too direct.I have nothing against your girlfriend


But what hurts me is that about two years ago we WERE friends... or at least buddies ,
I was making comments to you on FA once a month or two.The reason i was doing it... is.... that i missed you.
For you i'm doing nothing else but harrass you...

the truth is different... Back then, YEARS ago , you liked me , you even trusted me so much you gave me your home adress.. i know you did so much for me... i am not unthankful... i just had no occasion to give you something really big in return...

I miss that guy who chatted on yahoo about the Asterix movie i sent him (Did you ever showed it to anyone? ), read history books about Poland. And gave me some ideas for Jenny the Witchcat pics.

I even had a dream where i walked near your house... that shows how much i missed you... yes, almost like an obsession... but i was a coward delaying it forever, trying to say the things i wanted... "when i will make that pic for him.. i will apologize him for everything"

I should learn from BBMBBF who wasnt't seeing this what he didn't like.Ah... being an open minded ignorant. Or the unfamous "Ignorance is bliss"


I misuderstood the world we joined.

I am not really a bad guy... i suffer from my 'fame' everyday... and i will suffer till i quit this "furry fandom" , why wont i quit?

because...

Eric , I am not really a bad guy...

...not a bad guy...



Perhaps i miss the wrong person... the person that no longer exists